Pack his suitcase. Drive him to the airport. Take Madrid's shiny, ridiculously plump bag of ill-gotten pesetas. Send a bit of it to Wigan and fetch that tricky Valencia lad.
Load up the transit, get the sea cat over to Calais and aim the van towards Lyon. Taste a bit of the Beaujolais region's best grape.
Double back for the ferry, swing over the Stade de Gerland, pick up Karim Benzema and return to the hard, cold bosom of the North West, chuckling the night away.
Wait for the 2010 Premier League trophy to follow.