The Board hates St Patrick's Day parades. Honestly. I would rather have my face tarred whilst being serenaded by Don Henley than endure one.
Chicken scratch banners. Vintage tractors with with motor skitters spewing diesel in your face. The blinding hue of false smiles. The rain. The inevitable hangover.
If the new Limerick Leader/UL poll had decided to include The Board in its testing sample and dared ask one of its serious, generic questions about politics and the economy and the most tragic lost childhood ice cream (Magnum Cone, we hardly knew thee), the discussion would have been skewed with abrupt fervour.
I don't know much about Shannon Airport, Suzie, but LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT GOD DAMN PIPE BANDS.
But among the 300 non-demented people who gave UL a chunk of their life before demanding they give it back, the answers were far more constructive.
62.7 per cent of them agreed that Willie had to go, 66.7 per cent dislike the fact that the entire region is on the dole, while only 12.7 per cent believe that Michael O'Leary's bare ass is to blame for the ills of Shannon Airport.
Future editions of the Leader will reveal more answers to those aching questions we're all asking, such as who is Limerick's favourite politician of all time and whether the Super Chip is the city's finest cultural achievement.
Post Script: Yes, The Board is aware that it has been well over one Earth-month since he last dropped a literary load all over the internet.
He has, you see, been stuck in a dangerous cycle. As he is now interim information overlord for all West Limerick, his weeks become so viciously busy that electronic disgraces such as this page have been reduced to semi-retirement.
Other areas of life that have suffered include: sport, career, personal fulfilment, libido, knowledge of NFL free agency and trapeze skills.
Though I have found myself watching a lot more Curb Your Enthusiasm and switching tenses mid-paragraph, which is always to be welcomed.