Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What have you done for me lately

So you're there, covered in filth, staring down a glass in Tom and Jerry's with Fareed Zakaria, of all people.

Some year Fareed, huh?

The man of letters and closet Bushmills fan just snarls.

Quiet you. What do you know about it? You've been chained to a desk all year, peering at the world through a 14 square inch window. You didn't see Mumbai. You weren't in Grant Park. You weren't sub-primed upside the head. You have as much context in all this as a blind child. Shaddup.

Two minutes later he's on the floor, and the Chalkboard's fist hurts. Put that in your next book about Post-American international society, boy. And tell Chomsky that he's in for it too.

But you get to thinking. What were the best things that I actually did this year? You scrawl a list down, leaving out alternate vowels, because you're drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Here's the legible version of the five best things the Chalkboard did in 2008. Direct all letters of complaint to The Editor, Limerick Leader, 54 O'Connell Street, Limerick.

1. Drank at the Southill shebeen; awaiting arrest
Ma Kelly's was the new Aubars this year; the natural destination for those recessionistas for whom cocktails and clothing are so 2007. The great victory in all this, alas, was The Chalkboard's binging on Budweiser at Francie Kelly's behest and returning to the office to write a feature about it on company time. But drinking at the shebeen has got a few people in trouble with the Judges since, it would seem. Expecting to be Paddy Wagon-ed in the next twelve to thirteen minutes, Kevin O'Kelly style.
2. Covered Miss Limerick 2008; pun intended. (see pic)
There was an awful scrap, so there was. The filthy news staff of the Limerick Leader had been sounding their jabs for weeks beforehand.
I'm going down to it. No you're not, I am. Like f*** you are. Say that to my face. I would if I could bend down that low, you b*****d.

You get the idea.

Anyway, the important thing is The Chalkboard won the subsequent three-day Battle Royale in the Clare Hills, murdering three of his colleagues with pointed sticks and rubber bullets in the process. Got to spend the afternoon in the company of ridiculously beautiful women who would never even think of looking at me before, or since.
3. Avoided killing a family of five in Cardiff
Now that was a bit of a blur. One of the few visions that survived those four days of hellishly pounding my brain, liver and face was using my body weight to stop Pinky, Brouder, Shane-O-Mac, Corky and the Power Ranger from falling down two rows in the Millennium Stadium after Dougie scored his disallowed try against Toulouse. Left the stadium happy in the knowledge that I had saved the Partridges. Pinky, however, wasn't so lucky. He's still buried under a pile of fat Newport-Gwent Dragons fans on Caroline Street.
4. Discovered Ladyhawke
A late burner on the album of the year front. For a long, long time Q-Tip's cracking new solo album 'The Renaissance' held the lead in The Chalkboard's album of the year race. And then, with One For All voucher in hand, he bought some New Zealand synth-rock stylings from Ladyhawke. Better noise we have not heard since after the Champions League final in May.
5. Scored two tries in the Volvic Summer Tag league at Old Crescent
Keep in mind that the last time The Board scored a try in eleven years of playing rugby was a pick-and-go under the posts for the Ilford Wanderers under-13's against some shower from Brighton who I still maintain had a 19-year-old Fijian at out half. So it was with great enthusiasm that we celebrated scoring not one, not three, but two tries for the Leader's tag team in Old Crescent during the summer. Instilled happy rugby memories of the like not seen since punching a St Mary's backrow while playing for the Terenure J3's in 2006. Joy.

And that, essentially, was The Chalkboard's year.
Pathetic, isn't it.

1 comment:

Bock the Robber said...

I like the bit about punching the St Mary's backrow.

Could you say that bit again?